What’s up — I’m preparing for some major shit hit the fan economically-speaking when the second wave of mortgages slams ashore in 2009-2010 … All those “Option ARM” and “Alt A” loan chickens are about to come home to roost:

All Mortgage Re-set Dates Graph

Check out the orange Option ARM spike towards the end of 2009, which means right around early-to-mid next year they are going to finally start talking about it on TV and in papers, which means the markets will start taking the pounding in the vicinity of Obama’s Inauguration dash Cinco De Mayo.

WTF’s up with the post title, then, you might ask.  Well, if you’re like me, and you have just enough savings to float you for less than a year, you may have to know how to make stuff from scratch.  Since bread with all its carbie goodness is pretty much the cornerstone of any diet, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to learn how to bake it from scratch.  Not trying to scare you, just saying … when both spouses are out of their fancy service-sector jobs, and all they’ve got is a sack of flour … anyway.

Two dozen loaves later … I can whip up a loaf like a pro, and it doesn’t even have that nasty homemade yeastiness I attribute to every homemade loaf I’ve ever tried!  :)  I know how much y’all like pictures, so I’ll post those as soon as I bake another couple of loaves.

First of, you’ll need good yeast — get Fleischmann Active Dry Yeast in yellow packets from Wal-Mart.  I’ve tried like five different types of yeast, including the fancy natural stuff from Whole Foods, but none work as well as this stuff … it multiplies like it’s Mormon.  For flour, use any unbleached flour you like … I tried using whole wheat, but it didn’t work out for me, so I’m sticking with your regular average-joe white unbleached flour.  Also, it helps to have an over with “Warm” cycle and some sort of a form for baking.

You should be ready to rock.

STEP ONE:
Set your oven on “warm”.

STEP TWO:
Pour hot water into a large bowl for a couple of minutes, let that bowl warm up.  “Hot” means between 110 and 120 degrees, don’t get it any hotter than that.  After the bowl is warm, pour one cup of hot water into the bowl.  Pour one packet of yeast into the bowl.  Stir for a few seconds until the yeast is somewhat dissolved.  Sprinkle a little bit (like a tablespoon) of sugar into the bowl, stir.  This is food for your yeast.  Mix in one cup of flour into the yeasty-sugary water you got going.  Stir.  You’ll have a pancake batter-looking mix.  Stir for a minute until uniformal.  Don’t overstir, don’t let the mixture get cold … just stir until uniformal and proceed to

STEP THREE:
Open the oven door halfway for 2 seconds, stick your bowl with “batter” into the oven on top rack.  Shut off the oven. I don’t have an oven thermometer, but opening the door instantly drops the temp by like 20-30 degrees and brings the temp to around 80, which is where the yeast’s comfort zone is.  You have now given it food and climate, so it will start multiplying.  Leave it alone for 20 minutes.  Don’t peek into the oven, don’t open the door, don’t turn the light on, just don’t fuck with it in any way.

STEP FOUR:
While the yeast is happily growing, mix the following ingredients in another bowl: two cups of flour, 2 tablespoons of sugar, 1.5 teaspoons of salt, 1 teaspoons of baking powder, and whatever other dry ingredients you like (I add basil and paprika cause I love ‘em).  Mix all that up well — if your salt is in clumps, break it up or it will kill the yeast.

STEP FIVE:
I’m assuming you didn’t screw with your yeasty batter, and after 15 minutes in the oven it rose into a happy bubbly mess.  Get a large mixing bowl, warm it up with hot water, pat dry it, then pour two tablespoons of cooking oil into it (although I use olive oil).  Dump your batter into the mixing bowl.  With a fork, start stirring it, and as you stir, keep mixing in the flour mixture from STEP FOUR.  Work kinda fast — I mix about 2 revolutions per second.  Eventually, your mixture will start to clump up — keep mixing.  You’ll come to a point when it’s the consistency of dough, so sprinkle some flour on the countertop, and dump out your dough on it.

STEP SIX:
Set your oven on “warm”.

STEP SEVEN:
With floury hands, start kneading the dough.  Knead about 30 times until it’s somewhat consistent.  It will still be sticky, but you can combat that with dipping hands in olive oil or flour.  The dough may kinda fall apart at this point, but keep kneading it.  Eventually it will become consistent, mas o menos … don’t let it get too cold!  It must be pleasantly warm to your kneading touch … well, that sounded kinda gross.

STEP EIGHT:
Spray some Pam or other non-stick cooking spray into your baking form.  Put your kneaded dough into the form.  Open your oven door halfway for 2 seconds, stick your form with dough on top rack.  Shut off the oven. This is the same thing we did in STEP THREE — it drops the temp in the oven to about 80-ish, and yeast loves that. Let the dough rise for 15 minutes.

STEP NINE:
After not screwing with the dough for 15 minutes, pull out the dough (it should have risen a little), dump it out of the form onto a floured surface.  Set the oven on “warm” again.  Knead the dough a few minutes, don’t let it get cold.  Again, it must be warm to touch.  Ugh.  Re-spray the form, put the dough in it, stick the form into the oven, shut off the oven.

STEP TEN:
Let the dough rise for good 45 minutes.  Turn the oven light on, and peek through the glass — at this stage, my dough normally has risen to the point of climbing out of the form, creating a nice “muffin top”.  Ideally, you keep your temp around 80-85, but for me the trick with turning the oven on and off works.

STEP ELEVEN (this recipe is so awesome, it goes to eleven):
Catch your dough in the act of climbing out of the form, and crank your oven to 400.  Bake for 25-30 minutes — when in doubt, crack open the door and check out the color of the bread — should be of a nice non-burnt color.

When done baking, shake the bread out of the form and let chill for like 10 minutes … I like to cover with a towel to prevent scavengers from breaking pieces off.  Don’t eat hot bread, it will fuck your shit up … just let it cool.

Bust out some butter and salt, or like me — extra virgin olive oil, salt, and basil — slather or dip and enjoy!  The best thing of all — you’ve learned how to make something from scratch, and that’s a skill that you can’t lose!  This way, when Depression strikes in like 2010, you’ll be the baker on your block!